I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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