i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
