Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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