he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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