Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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