Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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