I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
