Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
