I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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