Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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