I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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