I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
