Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
