What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
