I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
