I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
