The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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