my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
