Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
