what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
