hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
