i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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