new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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