Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
