Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
