Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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