i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
