literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
