DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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