im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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