peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
