toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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