if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
