Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
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I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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