I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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