i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
