ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
