I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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