My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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