I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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