I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
