Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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