i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
