The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
