so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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