I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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