I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
