I hate your face
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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