Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We named our party play list daddy issues
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
