new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
