To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
