dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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