There is no way he is gay with that hair.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
