I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
