phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
