You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
