At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize