apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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