I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
