don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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