Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
