Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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